29 September, 2011

Monopoly fears threaten all-out war in peaceful community

It has recently come to your newspaper’s attention that there is a war of attrition raging within the hallowed halls of MILF’s (Men In Leadership Forum) subcommittee on single males. Our intrepid reporter, Addy ‘Mr. T’ Ramachandran reports, with interviews and SME input from Capt. Azelton, Archie B, Luis ‘Ghana’ Lopez and Jose Wadcan.

Market fears about the monopoly that is Mark ‘Sunshine’ Stolze have reached a crescendo pitch with numerous reports confirmed that several key players have proceeded to exit the market. Upon investigation, we discovered that the reason for this sudden exodus has to do with Mark purchasing a dog. Understandably, the editorial staff was a bit confused about Mark’s dog causing so much unrest in what was a vibrant community of single males.

“The market has become impossible to operate in. I feel totally persecuted. I’m now exploring the San Francisco salsa scene because even with my awesome salsa skills, Berkeley’s women (single and otherwise) are being sucked up by this monopoly machine. And now I hear he’s getting a dog? I’ll have to go brush up on Bhangra and Salsa. Need to reposition my value proposition” bemoans Archie B. “Me and Benny Hops are in the process of working out a new go-to-market strategy, but if this pervasive influence spreads even further, I’ll have to join Bachelors Anonymous and declare moral bankruptcy. “

“Aye sensed the winds of change in this market earlier than most, and decided that aye needed to abandon ship and fish in new waters. Thankfully I was able to enter into a long term agreement down in SoCal market. I’m sure you know all of this. I’ve posted a notification on the Facebook Social Exchange Commission (F-SEC) about my intent to cease doing business. Hopefully once Mark starts playing in the big leagues, I can take my trawler out and start fishing again” – Capt. Azelton

“Um. No comment. I’m playing the persecuted races card here…” (unfortunately, Haasweek cannot publish the rest of Jose Wadcan’s comments, for fear of retribution)

“Cabron, ese went to Ghana and played with a lot of ivory because I wanted to make sure that I was growing my market. I stayed on an African diet all summer, and I come back here and find that there is no more market. As if it wasn’t enough that he had classical good looks, owned a totally groovy motorcycle, is a bassist in JCVB, and arranged bubble baths with Bono and the girls all summer, he totally gained first mover advantage this year as O-week chair, and has a leg up on all the Lawyer babes. And now you’re telling me that he’s getting a puppy??!!! M**ica, I can totally imagine all the girls saying ‘ohh that’s choo chweet’” an understandably concerned Luis Lopez exclaims.

Well, now your reporter was also getting concerned. Was the market really as barren as all of these playas were making it out to be? Is there any future at all for me? Is Sunshine really out to suck the sunshine out of all single males lives? With these questions, Haasweek spoke to the source of all the trouble, Bella – Allan Riska reports. I also spoke to Mark – Excerpts from the interview below:

MSS: “Dude, I’m Mark – you know that though. Life is good for me, buddy. I’m just chilling, spending some quality time with Bella”
ATR: “I hear rumours about you being expelled from MILF”
MSS: “Yeah dude, that’s really unfortunate. I think people are making too much of an issue about Bella”
ATR: “Do you deny that your building a monopoly in the Berkeley market?”
MSS: “Totally dude, there’s a lot of potential left in the market, I’m just consolidating my opportunities”
ATR: “How so?”
MSS: “Well, I’m banking on my first mover advantage to give me a competitive head start in the market. Also, my time spent with Bono over the summer. But you already know that. What I’m planning to do in the future? Right now I’m finalizing my go-to market strategy with Bella, I’m in the process of creating Bella’s facebook page, and a social media program that revolves around how her addition to my portfolio and value proposition means exciting times in this vibrant market.”

(Note from the Editor: Addy was found dead drunk with this manuscript in a coat pocket…if you find him, do let him know that there is still hope)

No comments: