How i found the muse.. (ramblings contt.)

.. all right, I’m back, after a long gap, but then, a lot has been happening with me over the past three weeks. I’m like a guinea pig in my head, running as fast as I can, but just can't seem to get to the other side! But that is a story for later, for now, let's go back to where I left off...

Can you please remind me what I was doing back here? Oh yeah, I was surprised. Very surprised. I always used to believe that there were the 'dreamers'(as opposed to the hippie generation) and there were the 'planners' (these are the people who like to box things in. My sister is a prime example). Well for some very weird and inexplicable reason, I just couldn't find a dreamer to speak to about my life. So, this is what I went through:

Scene - glass of beer in my hand, heart-to-heart outside the bhadrachalam bar (yes, there was a bar on the campus!)

Players: Adi & Abi

Adi – hey, you know what? I started to give a bit of thought on what I wanted to do with my life, and I’m hitting a brick wall. I’m pretty sure I want to do an MBA, but I haven't given much thought as to why I want to do it.

Abi – Good for you man! But what is it that you want to do?

Adi - ummm... aaaahhh... I dunno...

Abi – Dude, you really need to figure out what you want to do. Once you do that everything will fall in place!

Adi - (….......................................) silence

Scene 2 – Google talk chat transcript:

A – so what plans?

H – machan, I really want to be in the real estate space. I just completed a major switch right now, I think I’m on the right track to where I wanna be...

A - (… left the conversation)

I guess you guys get the picture. Long story short, I kinda figured that I had to do some serious thinking. The good news was, I already had my GMAT out of the way. Bad news: I had just 2 months to think, and make up for 26 years of morbid stupidity!

(Historical note: I think it was around this time that the stock price of ITC (cig) and United Spirits (liq) shot up dramatically. I’m sure everybody was wondering why. Well, now you guys know. It was me doing my 'thinking'.)

Jokes apart, a month later, I actually figured out that I did have a fair idea of what the end point was. No clear path, no google map which stretched forward in time. But an image. An idea. And that was when I came to realise that I was getting there. And quite surprisingly, it wasn't like I had imagined it to be, it wasn't a case of me going over to the dark side. I was still the dreamer. I still didn't know what I was doing the next day, but in the brownian space of my mind (Physics 101, in case you're confused) there was this energy which made the entire setup a little less random, the fine line on the edge of chaos which is where we really want to end up, but are too scared to stay there..(that's a bit random, but its true, believe it or not!)

So, how did this change things? Well, for one, the MBA made sense suddenly, and I had something to do! (snigger.. I didn't really realize the ride I was in for, but I’m being positive here for a change instead of cynical, so bear with me!)

more for later.. story to continue!!

Ramblings on a jet plane!

Most stories and tales usually begin, very unassumingly, with a journey. July 27^th,2010... as with most things.. this one too starts with a journey... for that was after a whole lot of frantic preparation and last minute packing, I was finally leaving for the USA. Why? Well, because, like most people, (or at least I believe most people) I had decided that I needed something better in life. Not better as in materially (although, that matters) or monetarily (although that too matters!) but purely on a fundamental level of self achievement. What I was doing in terms of work was good, sure, but I really wasn't able to stretch myself and bring the best out with whatever responsibilities I had. Add to that the fact that in my 26 years thus far, I really haven't been able to figure out what I want, rather I have been going around determining what I really don't wanna do. Although to be fair, I'm not very good at figuring that out too either, I just keep going around saying that I wanna do this.. and this.. and that too.. and really have not been able to truly eliminate what I don't wanna do. So like all those chiropractors of the human mind keep suggesting, I began to look critically at what I wanna do. About what inspires me, drives me, keeps me on my toes and running all the time. It was then that I realized, I really hadn't done much in terms of introspection through my life. Sigh! Well,I guess better late than never. At least I’m beginning to ask myself these difficult questions. Never mind that I’m not finding answers. Never mind that I feel a lot more confused and apprehensive now than I did before. I'll improve. Of that I’m sure.

So, coming back to the narrative, all those questions led me to write my GMAT. Although, in all honesty that was just a stab in the dark, because that's what everybody felt I should be doing with my life. I wanted to agree with them, sure, I’d love to agree with them.. but for the life of me, I couldn't think of a good enough reason to believe that what they were saying was right. Anyhow, the extremely random person that I am, I took all the suggestions and free advice (Oh, and it was a LOT of advice!) and went ahead and wrote the exam. Took some time studying at nights, while we were commissioning the new copier line at work; which meant that time tables were dysfunctional, and therefore, both my sleep, and my studies were too. Nevertheless, I did end up writing the exam, and I was slightly surprised when I did pretty well. So, a pat on the back to self, a congratulatory drink, and I’m back again to the same void that I felt before I had started out with this entire thing. It was then that I realised that I had barely started, barely wet my feet. I had to now choose colleges to apply to, fill out their application forms, and … wait a minute! Did I see essays? Was that what they wanted me to do? Write big fat stories (read: lies) about why I wanted to do an MBA and what was it that I was expecting to do with my career and with my life?!! Now, this is something of a challenge! Like I mentioned earlier, I wasn't entirely convinced with the reasons that were being given to me for doing an MBA. And if there was one thing I wasn't really comfortable doing, it was lying through my teeth about things that I was going to do some time in the distant future. And come on, who's even seen tomorrow! I vaguely know what I’m gonna do once I’m off this flight. That, ladies and gentlemen, is the extent of my long term planning. Not 15 years from now. Not 10 years from now. Not even a year from now. That is how hopeless I am. I mean, sure, I have a vague idea of things, I know I wanna do good in life, wanna have loads of fun, blah blah blah, but I don't have a master plan, all neatly laid down, with their cute little boxes and different colored lines which I look at when I wake up everyday!?

I used to wonder about what kind of people really think that way and work that way. So, I started asking around, reasonably confident that there won't be too many nutcases like that around. Boy, was I surprised! Every single person that I spoke to, note every single person (well, okay, not really every single person, but then hippies don't count!).... to be continued.. flight is about to land!